Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm going to jail i love you
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
