I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
