why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
