cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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