This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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