I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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