First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
