Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
