So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
