I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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