watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
