By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
