you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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