I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize