dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
