my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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