He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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