Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
