I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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