I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
