when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
