Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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