Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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