I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
