Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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