I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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