batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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