toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
