I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
