maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
only you would photoshop your dick
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
