My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
