Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
