He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
