Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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