had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
