I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
