omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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