I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
