i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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