now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
