Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
