The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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