a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
high people should be assigned attendants
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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