see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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