He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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