i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
