sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
