Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
