my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
