I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
soo... how was my night?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
