No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
