I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
