you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
