and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
