the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
