***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
