I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
