I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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