I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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