you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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