ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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