the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
